( Entry #1. Session the last – A.M. of july the 30th )

What have I done?

Bar that. You know what you’ve done. The question is, why?

I know why. There was no choice.

Sod that. There’s always a choice.

Oh? Could’ve fooled me.

Great, now there’s three of me? I should join the Bleakers.

You wouldn’t like them. They’d try to help you. You know how much you love receiving help.

Are you here to taunt me now? It was bad enough when you were giving me advise.

Come now, luv. Answer the question. Why?

Isn’t that obvious? I couldn’t stand by and let that happen to Shen. To anyone.

It was his own choice.

You have never interfered. You refuse to interfere. Why now, of all times?

Hellsteeth! I admit it, I couldn’t let that happen to Shen. For all his faults, he is.. important to me.

Clearly

And now look at you. A Clueless has his soul back, and you?

I can’t lose what he lost. I’ve not got it to lose.

No. You lost more.

Far more.

Aye.. I can bloody see that. When did a pair of soddin’ mimirs decide ta’ kip out in my brain box?

Mimirs?

I’m hurt.

We’re just trying to help.

. . . I had too much ta drink, didn’t I?

Pretty much

Look, luv, answer the bleedin’ question. Why Shen?

What d’ya want me ta soddin’ say? That I couldn’t jes’ sit there watchin’ that barmy sod
hand away his bloody soul ta a lord of the Ninth himself? I let ‘im make ‘is choice.

And then you took that choice away from him.

‘Course I did, he made the wrong choice.

And now look at—

An’ now look at me. I’ve lost more’n that worthless pike of a Prime could ever hope ta have, much less ta lose.

A paladin without a cause.

Bar that. A paladin wi’out Faith.

Nah, I got Faith. Plenty of it. Just none left in the right soddin’ things.

Be honest with yourself. You were losin’ that to begin with.

Aye, that’s the dark of it.

The prob’m is I was seein’ too much of the dark of things.

I? Me, ya soddin’ mimir.

Come off it, luv. We’re all you, an’ ye know it.

Doesn’t mean I want’a soddin’ admit it.

Gods! Look at that berk! Not a word.

Not a thin’, beyond “I owe ya, Al” back at tha’ portal, aye?
He’s probably forgotten all about it by now. Its part of his charm.

Now that’s a load of piking shite, and I know it.

But it felt reassurin’ ta try ta lie to myself.

I do that a lot, when it comes to Shen.

Ain’t that the truth.. but it was the right thing, wasn’t it?

Fer who, though.. me, or him?

My faith said to protect others. I did so. He’s my friend, aye? What else could I do?

Our faith. Our religion. Our goddess. Where is she now?

For makin’ the ultimate sacrifice of self, I’m detectin’ a lack of praise.

Ain’t that the soddin’ truth.

Gods! Listen to that piking berk!

“Oh, Shen! It must’ve been so horrid for you, imprisoned by the big bad Hardheads—

For all of a few hours.

“But you’re free! Don’t ever do that again! I was so worried!

Sodding Sensate

Why did I get that piker out, again?

It was the “right” thing to do.

For who?

. . . All of us.

Them.

Him.

Not a one of them can begin to understand what I went through. What I’m going through. What I’ve given up.

Not that a one of ‘em soddin’ cares.

Of course not. I’m Alusair. Nothing gets ta me. I’m always jes’ fine, aye.

What could possibly soddin’ happen to me?

Gods! Listen to him!

Listen to all of them.

I bleed for all of them, time and time again.

And none of them even notice.

Gods! Look at her, fawning all over him.

You’d think Shen got himself out of that cell.

I wonder how he got his soul back, aye?

I notice he’s not eager to tell how badly he got soddin’ peeled, either.

I wouldn’t worry about that, none of ‘em’ll ever find out he lost it. Wouldn’t do.

Oh, but he’s okay now. Wouldn’t want ta dwell on failure.

Nor would it do to dwell on what someone else did for him.

No, certainly not with her around. It might ruin her opinion of him!

Adopted daughter indeed.

Perhaps that word has different connotations on Toril.

It must.

Not my place to interfere. Its their choice.

When does ‘not interfering’ end and taking the reins of my own fate begin?

Fate indeed. I have been cast out, my destiny is no longer written among the stars of my home. Why, then, do I cling to my old beliefs that would keep me from controlling my new-found freedom?

And that sodding prime can not begin to understand the meaning of that.

He wouldn’t want to if he could, it might burst the bubble of the perfect little Multiverse he resides in.

Oh, Powers! How could I live with that?

Could just finally, you know, tell her how I feel.

Interesting idea.

Oh, aye, that’s a bleedin’ beauty of a plan, there. Its fairly plain how she feels.

Normally, yes, but you’re not thinking clearly.

Oh, so I’m back to “you”, am I? Make up yer soddin’ mind!

You’re only “you” when you’re being Clueless. I want to distance myself from your crazy, it might be contagious.

I’ve lost enough without losing her too.

Why would you?

Sodding look at them, you worthless little pike of a mimir!

Aye? A woman concerned for her friend. Nothing to see there.

And in this corner, a Celestial too busy feelin’ sorry for herself ta think straight.

Pike it.

Gods! Are they still going on?

That’s Shen for you. . always lookin’ out fer one person.

An’ its always the same bleedin’ one, aye?

Powers! I can’t sit here any longer.

“Nix that last drink, barkeep. I don’t have the stomach for it anymore.”

Worthless, ungrateful little pike. I should have left him to rot.

Recorded by



Return to the musings of Alusair